he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
