Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
