fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
