There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
