You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
