Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
