Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
