I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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