I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
