I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
