I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
