and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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