my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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