Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
