Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
