forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
