You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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