I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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