I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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