when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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