i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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