from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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