Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're my little dorito
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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