sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
