I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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