yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize