Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
