I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
