so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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