I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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