i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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