We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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