so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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