i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
