she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
