peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize