So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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