He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
