ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
