If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
