I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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