giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
