ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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