I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
