rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
