i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
