I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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