he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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