Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i think my cat just said my name.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
