Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
