Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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