You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
