People in love make me want to vomit
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
