I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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