glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
