As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
