Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
