The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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