I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
