I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
