I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
