Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
