Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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