I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
