i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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