I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
